Visions

Hey gays,


Since I was a kid I've had the ability to sense things. It started out as very strong deja vu. I know many people have the sense they've been somewhere before but mine was much stronger. It was more than a feeling, it was more like I knew I had been there. I remember many times when I'd be standing somewhere looking around and my mother being annoyed, it usually was a park or water area's. Often I would lay down and look up into the sky and try to imagine what it was like before and even a few times it always came to thinking about Indians. I spent a lot of time in the woods when I was young, it felt very safe to me...

Over the years things have not changed, there were times when the visions went dim but most anywhere I have been, lived have always conjured up feelings of spirits. My freshman year of College I would see a woman walking the halls that no one else would confirm seeing, the dorm was a converted catholic school, the woman wore a black robe so I figured she was a nun, though some people talked about hearing a woman moaning at night, they couldn't see her.

Years later when I lived in Pawtucket, RI I would see a woman standing over my bed, she actually scratched me, after explaining to my roommate he told me that a woman had been murdered in the house in the 1950's. She was not pleasant at all, she scared the shit out of me. The room I had there also collected massive amounts of dust, she really didn't like me there..spooky

In New York I would see a woman sitting at out computer desk and in the laundry room in the basement. One time she came right up behind me, I could feel her almost breathing. She was very lonely, she was longing to be part of something, this was the first time I felt as if i could say something and she'd respond but I wasn't sure how to go about it...


When Jeff's grandmother died she came to visit us one night. That was the first time I actually felt the presence and when I closed my eyes, I could see her sitting in the rocking chair in the corner. she changed the temperature in the room. This was also the first time I couldn't control the feeling, I sobbed and even my body ached for a few minutes. I felt she was trying to talk to me but I couldn't hear her. i did find out that the vision when i close my eyes is referred to as a third eye by psychics, mediums, etc. This was the first time I felt that I could communicate, meaning that Isabel had come to me first or tried to use me to communicate. I'd never had that feeling before, crossing boundaries.


Then last night after I got into bed Miss Binks visited. Jeff was in the other room. It happened about 5 minutes after i got into bed. I was laying on My right side and the hair on the back of my neck and arms got rigid and I turned over and up a bit over my head across the bed was an ill formed mass, a little milky with little sparkles that faded in and out, I leaned over and put my glasses on and it then moved over to the chair we have next to the bed, slid down next to the bed, I reached out across the bed and touched it and it then flattened out, almost like it was walking across the bed and it settled right on her blanket and stayed there for a few seconds.

I asked if it was kiawah and when I closed my eyes I could see the sparkles a million times brighter, like fireworks almost, I knew it was her and again I just started crying, it then went back up hovering over the bed. I got up to tell Jeff and he came in. I could tell she was still there but the energy had faded a bit but Jeff said he could see it a little. Also during the night twice I went to move my leg and it felt as if she was there on her blanket, Jeff said he also felt as if she was brushing up against his leg. This experience was light and fluffy, airy and delightful.

For the first time in my life I feel I need to learn about these experiences I have and how to communicate with them. i know the third eye is unique from what I have read so far and is the gateway to communication.Its something that people usually have to tap into but it just occurs for me so now I have to figure out how to use it. I don't know if I'm psychic, I've never predicted anything or read any one's mind. I know I'm not interested in that really, I'm more interested in communicating with people....

I was really excited about Kiawah last night, i feel much better today after her visit...I hope she comes back soon..the energy was so positive and fun.

XO, BT

Kiawah in my Dreams

Hey gays,

The past few months have been tough... Our dog Kiawah has been battling mouth cancer and on Wednesday she passed away. I never thought I could love a being this much and she gave so much back to everyone. Kiawah touched everyone we knew, she was a special friend to both our grandmothers in their later years, she visited nursing homes, she especially was fond of the homeless, she was always drawn to people that needed help or love.

Kiawah was pure of heart, she was a bit odd as dogs go with food, she loved veggies, Carrots, pea's, green beans, sweet potato's and she couldn't resist a tortilla chip. She gave us more laughs than any human ever could, she had her own special comic timing. I miss her so much, I ache with grief at the moment. Leaving the vets office, even though her passing was peaceful, was a tragic and empty feeling for us but I know we'll feel better when we get her ashes back, she'll come full circle back to us, I know it!!


Kiawah in my Dreams
For Miss Binks

Will you come see me?
Kiawah, in my dreams
Holding you in two hands
A puff ball of fur it seems

Will you come see me?
Kiawah, in my dreams
Tugging ropes, playing, at my heart
Not far I know but we’re apart

Will you come see me?
Kiawah in my dreams
Look to the window, dancing squirrels
Cooking, bathing I’m missing, you’re free

Will you come see me?
Kiawah in my dreams
I’m waiting, drifting asleep
Can’t hold back my tears it seems

Are you flying with your birds tonight?
Gentle Breezes across my face, seems right
Will you come see me?
Kiawah in my dreams

A puff ball of fur it seems
Paw, high five, dance Kiawah dance
Carrot treats for you always, Will you come see me?
Tricks again, give me a chance

A puff ball of fur I know
Much more, my friend, my pal
I’m waiting, drifting asleep
Will you come see me?

A puff ball of fur I Know
Bounding endless energy, you’re free
I know you’ll come see me, drifting asleep
Kiawah in my dreams

Death in the Summer

Gey gays,

What the hell is going on...Lots of people are dropping dead in 2009 and so many in just the past few weeks. I can't remember a time when so many celebs having signed out in such a short span.

First there was

Estelle Getty, then Bea Arthur, the sideman Ed Mcmhan ,poor Farrah Fawcett, the king of pop MJ, the fabulous Karl malden, well I mean he was a good actor, the loud mouth sales guy Billy mays and now I just read the fabulous British actress Molly Sugden too. Its very sad.

Though Malden was 97, wow what a great run..and I guess Ed, Bea, Estelle and Molly also lived well into their 80's. MJ and Farrah were too young by today standards.

Its been a rough summer, maybe thats why all the rain....

Its all very confusing!!

XO, BT

I need, I don't want

Hey gays,

I'm wowed by things sometimes but lately I'm just not having it.

I think our dog Kiawah's illness has flung me into a depression. I'm trying to be positive but the thought of not having her around scares me, things won't be the same without her, having her energy in the house has aways been comforting.

There have been many times when I thought she was a pain in the butt and complained about her, she could be very pesky at times but most of the time she is a very good dog.

The funny thing is she seems to have a zest for life i'm lacking at the moment, i'm performing, but I don't want to, i'm eating but i need to stop, i'm drinking and i need to drink less...

She has a cancer in the worst possible place, her mouth, but she still seems to want to carry on forever and I so wish we could have her always.....

I'll have to soak in some of her zest tonight because I have to glitter up my starfish for Coney Island...LOL...

Zest me up Kiawah!!

XO, BT

Sometimes I'm embarrassed to be Gay

Because of the way we treat each other. Well the way I get treated

Hey gays,

I can't hold my tongue any longer!!

Recently against my better judgment I decided to submit my work to a gay themed festival and Pride stage in NYC.

I have never heard back from either one of them? it is not in their literature that they only respond to those chosen. What the fuck is wrong with these people i.e. gays. I have submitted to other festivals and always get a response back either way. It's only fair, don't you think? if you take the time to send a package in and have it reviewed and scrutinized on whether its worthy or not then you at least deserve the courtesy of an answer. Somehow in the art/theatre/gay capital of the world NYC some of these organizations don't feel the need.

It's 100% perfectly fine not to get chosen but it really pisses me the fuck off not to get a reply.

I've been told before that festivals are about who you know, and I know that's true in most cases but that does not excuse the total lack of courtesy.

I'm gay and I'm not homophobic but some of these fucking fags need to take their balls out of their purse and do the job they are supposed to do.

If I were in charge of choosing acts or plays etc. especially for a gay themed event i would go out of my way to respond to everyone because its the right thing to do...

People who know me know that I try my best to be nice and work well with others but enough is fucking enough with these assholes.

I will never apply to another festival. There are plenty of Pride's so i can't say I'll never apply to one again but honestly for the size of "Heritage of Pride" they could certainly send an email or a form letter saying thank you for submitting...

a few months ago a very popular and hard working drag queen from Rhode Island told me she felt let down by the gay community. At this moment I know how she feels!! I don't deserve to be treated like crap especially by so called like-minded gays....

What the fuckles!!! When will I ever learn?????????????????


XO, BT

Love the new Hood

Hey Gays,

We are settled in our new apartment, well almost, still boxes in some places. I have to say though that the neighborhood is so different from manhattan. Tree's and rose bushes galore, birds chirping.....I guess thats why they call it Carroll Gardens...LOL.

Here is a pic taken by my hubby to give you a feeling of what its like...sleepy



XO, BT

Down in the dumps

Hey gays,

Sorry for lack of posts. I just haven't had it in me to keep up with this blog. I'm a little down..

There is a lot going on, moving, our dog is sick, my job sucks, not knowing what to do about drag. I'm sure I'll snap out of it but for the moment I'm too depressed to get overly excited about anything. I hope the move and trip to key west will excite me..starting a new, something fresh..I'm crossing my fingers...

XO, BT

RuPaul's Drag race

Hey gays,

I am in the running for casting for Rupaul's drag race. Go vote for old MargOH!

http://RuPaulCasting.com/people/margohchanning

XO, BT

Craigslist gone mad

Hey gays,

All the craigslist killings, robbings and such is going through the roof. What started out as a really good idea has gotten seedy. Even if you try and rent an apartment there is plenty a scam artist looking to steal your money.

Now we have the "Craigslist Killer" .

The one thing that I've noticed through all the media coverage and interviews with friends, etc. is how often he is referred to as "clean". "He's Clean cut, I can't believe it, he's so neat and clean". It almost makes it seem as if you have to be dirty and unkempt to be a killer..I think people forget that clean white people commit crimes just as much as messy and dirty people do, maybe even more.

The other thing I noticed is that there have been many instances over the years with people being killed, hurt and attacked from using craigslist like the kid last year that was lured by a group of guys to a parking lot to have sex and he was hit by a car trying to get away from them attacking him but that barely got any national press, could it be because he was black and gay....


It seems that craigslist has lost a handle on what it was meant for because they really do not have any rules. I'm not sure if they could curb whats going on lately because during a bad economy sex sells...The site has no control over what people are going to do and I hope people start thinking twice about meeting up with strangers alone for services...It's a no win situation it seems....

XO, BT

Even more Crazy

Hey gays,

Yes, Still haven't had any reply's to some emails and such, i"m going even crazier.....................................I need dorito's or better yet chips and dips...yummo

XO, BT

I'm going crazy

Hey gays,

I think I'm going crazy. No one will respond to my submissions, show treatments, requests for jobs, phone calls, you name it...I think I'm going mad...

XO, BT

Imagining me

Hey gays,

Last night I went to see a show "Araby" composed by my friend Chris Rael. The show is fabulous and the music
is touching. He sets the story to The Dubliners by Joyce but it's about his relationship with his father who died in a tragic accident.

He talked of his father giving up on his dreams or setting them aside for the life he had but he was unhappy. There were a lot of similarities in the show to my father, well I don't even know what my fathers dreams were. He is really vacant and doesn't talk much about his feelings.

The whole thing is I was thinking that in my show that I make my mother kind of a tyrant. I'm wondering if it is too harsh on her, i don't know I'm just thinking I'm doing the wrong thing at the moment. I do wrap the show up on a positive note because I'm fine with my mother now for the most part.

I hate whenever I see some one's show I start questioning myself and my writing. I'm always happy to experience other people's art and I learn from it and this show was really touching. I hope mine is a little bit...

XO, BT

An uphill battle

Hey gays,

Today I weigh in at 220 pounds, not my heaviest weight, I've been 235 before.

The thing is for my next show I gotta get down to what I call "Judy" weight. When I was impersonating Judy on a regular basis I weighed between 180-200 possibly 210 at the most. Its not easy to fit into a form fitting outfit like she wore but I have to do it this time because i want to have a fabulous costume. A lot of a performance has to do with the costume I feel, always have. I want to have something fierce this time that when you look at it it screams Judy.

So today started the journey to trim down. 45 minutes on the treadmill today and yesterday and i want to start playing tennis again. Now the rough part starts, no more chips and limited snacks, i do love a dorito...LOL

I'm going to start taking some pictures of my body to see what happens....

wish me luck....

XO, BT

What the fuckles?

Hey gays,

What is up with WeTV and all the freaktacular shows. Little miss perfect and the scary male host that sings of citrus colored rainbows to little girls with a woman judge who calls herself Miss South Africa USA, whatever that means. Her lips are bigger than her ego...

Now we have another strange man saying he wants to save fat people lives. I haven't seen the show yet but I gotta see this. This guy seems like a jackass....

I gotta go eat a whole pizza and 2 liters of soda and pass out in my fat.....

XO, BT

Waiting

hey gays,

A while back I talked about a show that I was writing and I finished the first rough draft or the first final draft, I guess I'll call it. About the same time I finished there was a festival coming up and also Pride stage so I decided to submit to both. The Pride stage theme is paint the town ruby seeing it the 40Th anniversary of Stonewall and I thought that doing a piece of my show "For the love of Judy" would be perfect.

I always hate submitting my stuff to festivals and events because I usually get rejected, though I did get chosen for "Gay life expo" last year. Now I'm waiting to hear back. I know in my mind these things are all political and about having the right exposure, its not always about the work itself but in my heart I feel like crap when I don't get chosen.

In the end I'll just do the show on my own but I guess its the support of your peers that mean something , a stranger reading your work and thinking its worthy of being seen and heard...

Now I'm waiting



XO, BT

I'm so sick of "The market"

Hey gays,

No, I'm not talking about the supermarket, you know I need my food....

I'm talking about the endless nauseating talk about the stock market , the housing market, the rich people getting more bonuses.....I'm just sick and tired of hearing how we've all been raped by the system when no one is willing to even do anything about it or at least be accountable for it. The final straw was when I watched a piece on 60 minutes about the markets and what stood out to me is how no one will admit to be lying cheats out to make a buck or how people took out mortgages where the monthly payment was higher than what they make in a month saying I was taken advantage of....yikes.

The reality is people of my generation and below are being punished by the excess of the baby boomers, yes , our parents. We are being left with less than what they had because of greed. My parents aren't to blame, they have no money but the ones that do that are ages 60 and above right now that made millions upon millions of dollars and ran off with it leaving the average worker starving, the Enron's, the bear Stearn's, the aig, look at the men running those company's , old white guys.....aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh.......I'm going mad...

XO, BT

Discovery in Florida

Hey gays,

We took a short vacation to Florida and stayed at my sisters home
which is in an over 55 community called "The Villages". We have made fun of the place and all of the oldsters but the place is like a resort with golf courses, tennis courts, pools and a happy our in town square, 2.75 drinks..oh yeah!!

The weird thing this time is that we noticed that there seemed to be more gays there this time, usually older couples or a couple may/December romances...LOL. My hubby did some research and they actually have a GLBT group there call Rainbow Family. I was shocked because it seemed like such a conservative place. Could it be that we weren't the only gays in the village....I guess so!! Who knew!

Check it out gays..

XO, BT

Off fo Florida

Hey gays,

Going on vacation til tuesday and probably won't enter the blog so any peeps reading I'll make an entry soon...though i only have one follower...LOL squish, squish...I'm sad....I'll be working on the next "Chew the fat" series interview...

happy St Patty's!! drink up

XO, BT

BT Exposes the fat

Hey gays,

I did a performance the other night at "Hypergender Burlesque" and took it all off for art. There is something to be said for exposing yourself.....what a tummy...LOL. All the photo's were taken by my hubby Jeff catlow.

xo, BT

I'm a Taurus for sure

Hey Gays,

I was born on May 20th which falls on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini. I found this description of Taurus that really describes me almost to a T. I'm a loyal person and let things slide off my back. I'm also time orientated and tend to ease into change but not so much welcome it....

I don not think I have much Gemini traits because they are talkers, though I kind of Long to be that way so maybe Gemini pulls me or gives me the courage to perform and get in front of an audience...

It is interesting stuff though and interesting to give these things a thought and realize who you are as a person..

XO, BT

Feeling a little Green

Hey gays,

Well of course you are! March is upon us and I'm feeling Green, anxiously awaiting spring to start..It can't get here fast enough.

I'm Irish and St. Patrick's was always a big time in our house. Even before my parents had their Irish pub and restaurant we always had a party. St. Patrick's day is also my mothers birthday so a Keg of Green beer always was tapped at our house. The Shea's was the place to be....Corned Beef and cabbage for everyone...

When they opened the restaurant it turned into more of a nightmare. It was the busiest day of the year until it closed. If you went to visit you usually were put to work in some way, kind of taking the fun of it out of the mix. Though I have to say in a way I miss it a bit because I know how much my mother enjoyed it. They would always have a huge cake and sing happy birthday at the end of the evening and a dance with her kids or father. Everyone would be sloppy drunk by the end and singing or something......

That's the luck of the Irish after all....

XO, BT

Someone to Admire

Hey gays,

I have to tell you after watching some of the Oscars and seeing Red Carpet photo's, etc. I was pleased to see a few older women that are letting themselves age gracefully and not with much plastic surgery. I don't think Meryl Streep has had much work done if any and Sophia Loren looks fabulous though I think she's no stranger to the knife. The actress Melissa Leo nominated for Frozen river is also someone to note.

The stand out here though is Angelica Houston. One time i did drag and wore a long black bob and all I got all night was you look just like Angelica Houston, not that I took it as a insult, I never wore that wig again.

She is actually a gorgeous woman, more sophisticated than most, she is not a classic beauty but more of a unique one. I just like the fact that she is who she is and doesn't really change. I don't think she has had a lot of work done and it shows in these pics but she still has a great body and look.

Oh, someone to admire, I think. Maybe I'll pick up another black bob!!




XO, BT

The Chunky Fabulous

Hey gays,

When i was driving to RI last week I was listening to Sirius/XM and I was listening to Keith Price and then Frank Decaro and it dawned on me that they are both fatee gays...

Then I started to think of all the chunkies out there that are huge in both stature and fame. We have Rosie, Bruce Vilanch

Harvey Fierstein

Oh , yes and Chastity Bono, Poor Cher still doesn't know where she went wrong

I'm pretty sure Clay Aiken is on the road to the chunk and so is Lance bass if he doesn't watch it...no eclairs for him....

I don't even know why I wrote this post..LOL. I guess there are a lot of chunky gays having successful and fun lives....

XO, BT

MargOH! in the The Village Voice

Hey gays,

I'm part of a fun show next week and it has been chosen as a voice choice by
the village voice. The show is called Tribute to the Golden girls 2 .

Its taken a while but old MargOH! got her name in the voice!!....thanks to the Victoria Party for having me in this show!! At last I feel a little sigh of relief...

XO, BT

MargOH! and the Twink

Hey gays,

So this weekend I went to my old stomping ground Providence to visit my friends and have a little fun. I also wanted to perform a number I've been working on. It is Liza's version of "What makes a man a man". Its one of those songs that is very dramatic but a little long to keep a crowds attention.

I was testing it out to see what the reaction was even though I wasn't adding all the idea's I had for my NYC performance of the song. I'm going to make a huge cock and balls under my outfit to expose at the end of the song. Anyway, I did the song but more copying her performance on the GLAAD media awards a couple of years ago. I feel the performance went well especially when I removed my wig toward the end of the song. It is a good song to act to and I tried to do that....

Well when I walked off the stage after taking bows etc. this guy grabbed my face and kissed me hard and long on the lips, mind you i still had no wig on, it happened so fast that I was taken a back and kind of pushed him away gently and went backstage. I put my wig back on and gathered myself, etc. and went back out and the guy was still standing there, he grabbed me again and said that he fell in love with me and wanted to go home with MargOH!... I guess I did a good job with that song...LOL.

Let me tell you though, MargOH! and sex do not mix.. I of course explained to him that I was married and MargOH! was too old for him, he was 20. The boy wouldn't let up though and when i went back to my friends , etc. was very persistant..

In the end he got my point and though I was flattered the boy had to be turned away..LOL. In all of my years of performing this has never happened to me and it made me wonder what the attraction was..as a side note about 3 or 4 other younger gay men approached me and were applauding my performance as touching, etc. It really hit a chord with the young ones, interesting....

I told Jeff all about this as soon as I got home and I'm glad i did because some aquaintences that were there told other aquaintences and described me as "She was having a lot of fun".....

To me, it was innocent and not something I meant to have happen or invited, the whole experience was really funny to me and interesting how a performance can affect someone....

XO, BT

Was Joan right?

Hey gays,

I think so, Joan Crawford that is. She always said she would dip her face in ice baths to keep the sking taught and soft. I always would wash my face in luke warm water but I decided to give it a try after Jeff told me the woman who cut his hair said the same thing. The past few days I've tried washing my face in ice cold water and it works, My skin is so soft and i'm much more refreshed looking....Hopefully it is not a short effect!

Thanks Joan!!

XO, BT

Blossom Dearie

Hey gays,

We lost another fabulous performer Blossom Dearie

She is one of those performers you may hear as part of a jazz channel or in the supermarket over their music intercom but you may not know exactly who she is.

Blossom was another great reason to live in NY. She performed for several years at Danny's skylight room and Jeff and I went to see her a couple of times. Her shows were so fun and for someone well into her 70's her voice was very good, she sang in this sugary sweet voice but a lot of the songs she sang were hysterical or had a zing to them. I guess you would call her a performers performer... Here is a clip from you tube.

I sang this song in one of my shows because I just loved the way she did it! If you don't own a Blossom Dearie cd, go get one. She is perfect to listen to on a Sunday morning with your coffee.



XO, BT

I is Poor

Hey gays,

I read this article about the cost of living in NYC. I've always known that living in the city is expensive but to be honest with you I didn't think it was this bad. When you are living something every day I guess you lose sight of certain things.

Recently though I've started to see differences. The supermarket across the street which was pretty reasonable compared to suburb supermarkets was bought out by Shop rite and the prices have went way up. A block of Cracker barrel cheese is 6.99, that is outrageous compared to the 4.59 it was when it was morton williams. On the average everything in that store is 50 cents more and it makes a huge difference. Also our landlord raised our rent 6 % this year, ouch...So we have to move because we are paying over market now for this apartment.

According to this article I'm not even middle class...I guess I is poor...

Providence is looking good at the moment. I would love to move back but I will miss the city and all it has to offer even if we are barely getting by...

XO, BT

Madonna's Hot new man

Hey gays,

I want a piece of her new man, he's a hotty at 22. Good for her. She has to keep up with the young ones...LOL

I wonder how long this will last...I'll have to give her a call and ask for his number when she is done...LOL

XO, BT

A poem; The past

Father’s infidelity
Mother’s stubborn weakness
I’m the significant other
Sleepless nights
Secrets
Lies
No way out
Somebody help please, Nana, Papa, Auntie can’t know
Sworn secrecy, the good son, where do you go
Anywhere but there
Unhappiness rules
Alcohol, Drugs and sex
Save the rainy days
Like him, I’m a father now, just like him
Sweep it under the rug, just like her
Innocence lost, Caps and gowns tossed to the air, sigh, I’m free

By BT Shea

Bacon Anyone?

Hey Gays,

I saw this article in the New York times and had to post it. If you love bacon
I would give it a try but honestly sausage rolled in bacon is just a bit much ya think, I prefer scallops...LOL

XO, BT

No Cupcakes for Bill

Hey gays,

I am little hungry, all the time!! I started cutting back on my meals and I'm starving....LOL



No cupcakes for Bill...very sad

XO, BT

I'm finished

Hey gays,

I'm finished with the first draft of my show...thank goodness....I was thinking i would never finish it but after focusing this weekend I was able to get it done.

I still think the struggle of what to tell in this story was holding me back but I decided not to hold back and now I know it was the best thing to do. Though I'm not completely happy with everything I know that the draft is going in the right direction....

I love the first act but the second is a little flat at the moment mainly because the content and mood is a little heavier, talking about life's challenges including coming out, lost loves and coming to terms with the past to move on to the future.

I do know one thing that after my final lines of the show there will a clip of Judy to end the show but now i have to decide which one. I have 3 in mind, The show is called "For the love of Judy"

I've never been so excited to do a show after having written the last line today

its a little hard not knowing what the whole show is about but which of these would you call better...any thoughts gays

XO, BT

Busting at the Seams

Hey gays,

The winter weight is getting a little crazy.....eveything is getting a bit tight...LOL

Next week I'm back to the gym to do at least 30 minutes of cardio to get my
metabolism working. I also gotta cut out the junk food..I'm crazy with it.

I had to eat a half bag of dorito's last night watching Lost so I could get even more Lost....that show makes you want to eat...LOL. I actually DVR'd it but I still ate the bag of dorito's watching househunters international.

One of my co-workers had a major operation last week to remove a Carcinoid Tumor. It is a very rare type of tumor that shoots large amounts of seratonin through your body. It was removed from his intestinal tract so he hasn't eaten anything in a week. He just started eating soft food yesterday.

I went to visit him last night at Mt. Sinai and he was doing well and should leave the hospital tomorrow. He told me he was having dreams about food all week...It amazes me how the body can cope with such trauma, he was up and walking around, the surgery he had was like 9 hours long and they had to take out a piece of his liver because some of the tumor lodged onto it. The doctors said he was lucky to have had some symptoms of the disease. Most people who get this don't and by the time its discovered its too late to do anything.

After leaving the hospital it really made me think about the amount of food I eat and that its a little out of control but i still bought the damn snack...I really have to cut back on my eating...its making me sad...but I am glad my friend has a good prognosis, he is a nice guy!

XO, BT

The next "chew the fat" interview

Hey gays,

I just completed my latest interview and will post sometime today or tomorrow. You will love the next interviewee. He is a wonderful gay boy from italy..very sweet!!

XO, BT

The bashing

Hey gays,

Last night I had a dream about an event that happened in 1990.....Very strange...

The dream was more about why I never said or did anything about it? It was the type of dream that would make me wake up terrified and then start again when I fell back to sleep. The dream isn't worth writing about but I guess the reason for it is worth telling...

Also, I went to see "Revolutionary Road" today and what a downer of a movie that was, crazy but a true...the character of April said one line I keep thinking about "Who made up all these rules anyway". It made me think who made up the rule that made it seem ok to attack someone for no reason.

To the true story.

I was 20 I guess or maybe I just turned 21. I always get confused because it took me 5 years to get my degree because of all the crap I went through with my first boyfriend Bill. I probably had just finished my third year of school and i had met this guy Jim out at the bars. He was a nurse and a nice enough guy, at this time my best friend Mike took a job working 3rd shift so he wasn't always available to go out etc. I tried to make a couple more friends to go out with because i hated going out alone. I remember that Mike told me he didn't like Jim because he was a loud mouth or the type to get in trouble. i never saw any of the behavior so I just blew that off and continued to hang out with him when Mike wasn't around.

I remember the day vividly because I worked the breakfast/lunch shift at the Sheraton hotel restaurant where I was a waiter and I cut myself that day, pretty bad when i was cutting lemons so that added to the pain but being a waiter you learn to take care of it yourself and throw a band aid on it though i think i needed stitches...anyway... It was a Friday and I had Saturday off and Jim had stopped by my work around 1pm and asked me if I wanted to go to Boston, he wanted to go to the "ramrod". I was like..a leather bar...I think i initially said no but he said I'll drive so you can just relax. I then said ok, I'll go as long as we go to another bar too so we wouldn't have to be at Ramrod all night. He agreed and said he'd pick me up at 9.

There wasn't much to the evening, we went to "Ramrod" and they were having a country western night and it was really boring. I remember saying lets go to this other place which was a video bar at the time, I can't remember the name but it was a small place that played video's and porn, etc. i chatted up a guy there and he asked me to go home with him but i declined because i was with Jim, etc. I remember the guy even offered to pay for my train ride back the next day but for some reason i declined and didn't want to make Jim drive home alone. I then remember realizing he wasn't there so i told the guy i had to find him so I looked over the whole bar and he was no where to be found so i walked outside to see if he had gone to the car, it was parked down the street and when I took the left and went by an alley I saw him blowing some guy right out in the open, though it was an alley way behind the club it was pretty well lit and you could see him plain as day..I just turned around and went back inside. The thing was I noticed a red truck, like a GMC 4 seater, pre svu and they had Slowed down and obviously saw what Jim was doing but they kept driving.

He came back in and wanted to leave so we headed back to the car and I saw the truck again driving slowly by us but again didn't think anything of it. We got back into the car and started driving down mass ave, a long road in boston with lots of stop lights, it was the quickest way back to the highway.

Of course Jim was telling me about the guy and how huge his cock was and all that. I lit up a cigarette and rolled down the window and we stopped at a light and I looked to my right and the red truck pulled up next to us and the guy driving waved and smiled. I quickly rolled up the window and told Jim I thought these guys were following us. He said he didn't notice but then looked over and gave the guy the finger and slammed on the gas. Jim took it more as they were hitting on us, then we got on the highway and i didn't see them after we were on route 93.

Boston is about 40 minutes from providence and we were well on our way back but with all of the nonsense that happened when we were leaving i didn't take a piss or anything and I was drinking beer so I was busting at the seams when we were in about in Attleboro area so I had Jim pull off into this weigh station so i could go. I remember him being like can't you wait but I insisted. I got out of the car and so did he. I just slipped by zipper down and was pissing when i heard a car screech up and i turned and it was the red truck.

I remember zipping up my pants and then heard the word "faggot" and a fist blindsiding me. I'd never been hit before and everything moved in slow motion. I remember seeing out the corner of my eye that a guy was also going after Jim but Jim was running. I remember another guy pulling my head back and punching me again and I fell to the ground, then being dragged back towards Jims car , then i think the other guy started pounding my face into Jim's car.

I know all I said was what the fuck over and over again. The next thing I heard was "lets get the fuck outta here" and they left. I was face down in the dirt in front of his car. I remember Jim lifting me up and throwing me in the car kind of screaming and carrying on. he looked at me and said i gotta get you to the hospital, i looked down and my white t-shirt was covered in blood from top to bottom. It is a weird feeling to be beat up, it was like being in a dream state or something. Then i remember looking at Jim and he was fine, not a scratch. I thought it was so weird.

He kept saying lets go to the hospital but i said no, take me home, take me home, take me home. He did and walked up the stairs and sat me in the bathroom and got a whole bunch of towels and peroxide and starting washing off my face, he was a nurse so in a way i was lucky, he kept saying you need stitches and that i had little pebbles lodged in my fore head. I guess I was in shock because I just didn't want to go to the hospital. In the end he said that the cuts were really small and there was just a lot of blood because it was my forehead, i guess you bleed a lot out of your head area..etc.

I never once even thought of going to the police or tell anyone other than friends what had happened. I guess i felt stupid for not realizing what was going on. I was oblivious to the fact that these guys were looking to hurt us. I've always felt lucky in a way because they could have killed me, the stop off was far enough off the road that no one would have seen unless someone else stopped.

My friend Mike , the ever suspicious one, said he thought the whole thing was planned by Jim because he never got hurt but honestly he had time to react, I was closer to the car and he went a bit down the embankment and saw what was coming. I had no time to react.

I did eventually go to the hospital two days later because my face got so swollen and my jaw would barely open. I told them that I had been mugged in downtown providence. I had an x-ray and my Jaw wasn't broken and they said they'd have to cut open the cuts to give me stitches because they already started to heal. I said no way...

I still have no idea why I never went to the police. I guess I felt that I had no description, I just remember the guy had on a plaid shirt and had brown hair, nothing else other than a red GMC truck. Jim said he couldn't describe them either. I didn't think they'd find them. It however took me a long time to go back to Boston and if I did it was with a group.

It's true I was gay bashed and never really admitted it to myself. Even though I've written this I still look at it like it was someone else. Its true what they say about traumatic events, your mind blocks the terror out of it sometimes...strange.

XO, BT

Big as a House

Hey gays,

Oh boy... Boy George is big as a house and going to the big house. Maybe he'll lose some weight in the slammer...

I posted about this before but I was a huge Culture Club and Boy George fan and I'm sure if you asked most people they'd say the same. His music and voice are excellent and most of the songs are fun and flirty and I feel have stood the test of time. I love listening to their greatest hits now just as much as i did then. Plus his "The crying game" is one of my favorites of all time. His voice is so silky smooth in that song, its amazing.

Its both sad and frustrating that someone this talented has thrown it all away on drugs. I've done drugs, don't get me wrong but not like him.. Plus, after seeing him around NY and hearing stories about him from friends that ran into him at clubs, etc. say he is a real asshole and very rude.

Poor thing, maybe they'll teach him manners in the klink?? In the end I think this sentence is probably more for all the crap he got away with for years with a slap on the wrist...




XO, BT

Oops I did it again!!!

Hey gays,

God damn I said that I'd never do it again but wouldn't ya know that I let myself down again. I can't believe that I let myself fall into the trap again this year but hopefully it was only one time.

I watched "American Idol" last night.

I feel sick about it... It really is a piece of crap show and I'm not going to tune in again. At this point I think adding a new judge has done nothing to help the show. It really is sappy and it seems that as the years go on they are less interested in good voices but focus on the sob stories of some of the contestants. In the 1st episode they have a blind guy, a guy who's wife died a few weeks ago, a woman that is 23 has 3 kids and just lost her home in a tornado.

They play all of this up to the hilt. One guy who completely sucked pretty much begged to go to Hollywood and they said yes. They said that he was funny and had an OK voice...yikes.

The show really has become tired...

I'm not watching again....

XO, BT

Memory

Hey gays,

I guess the vitamin B-12 is kicking in. It dawned on me yesterday when I was reciting a whole song I've been practicing for a performance in my head. A few months ago I was having trouble remembering my lines or even losing thought mid sentence a lot.

In the past when I would learn a song that I was going to Lip Sync I would pick it up really quickly but over the past few years I noticed a change. It seemed to take me a twice the time to just learn the words.

I have a method I use when learning a new song. I usually listen to the song 100 or so times before I even start trying to perform it. When I lip sync I also breath as the performer is breathing. I've always thought this added to the performance and made it look more realistic. I also use my neck and jaw a lot to accentuate the song giving the illusion that my vocal cords are moving as well. Sometimes when I'm done doing a Liza song I'm exhausted because I try and use my whole body.

The shows I did in 07 especially RAW after looking at the tapes I was disappointed in my Liza portion of the show. I could tell I lost focus and wasn't using my techniques, not my best.

After rehearsing the two number's I'm working on now I feel a huge difference. One song is Liza's version of "What makes a man a man" and the other is a Rockette in turmoil performing "I am what I am". The difference is that I feel a lot more no nonsense, meaning I'm not struggling with the direction of the songs or emotion, etc.

Reflecting I really think the vitamin b-12 deficiency was wreaking havoc on my emotional state because I was always feeling very uneasy and unsure as well as detached..

I never went for the shots but I started doing a high dose sub lingual that Jeff picked up and after a month or so it seems to be kicking in...

I'm just so gay about it!!

XO, BT

The "Honest" truth

Hey gays,

So I've been writing my "one man" piece and have gotten a little further. i have planned the show to be mostly monologues with video and voice over to tell my experiences.

As I've been writing the material it has forced me to tell some stories mainly about my mother that are things I've held close to me. In a way I feel like I'm betraying her but on the other hand she did some things i really thought were horrible. It's funny but I think that my indecision about situations like this stem from the things she chose to do as a parent.

Just to give an example my mother always treated me more like a confidant even at young age rather than a son. She would tell me personal feelings about her marriage, probably things society would deem inappropriate for a kid to hear. There are some other items as well but that's in the show, LOL.

In my heart I know my mother is mentally ill and never sought treatment, she is Bi- Polar by every definition. She'd fly into rages about how dirty her closet was and blame it on us (meaning anyone in the area at the time) and make us empty everything out and rehang and refold everything until she was satisfied it was tidy. Usually she would end up sitting in a chair weeping and asking for sympathy about something while we were in the middle of it so we'd end up feeling guilty and sorry for her.

This happened on a frequent basis which one is why I can't handle when someone raises their voice to or at me and two I think it added to my inability to pay attention to what someone is saying to me, I tend to drift off and start thinking about something else. I think over the years this has led to people thinking I'm snooty or stuck up but really it is my lack of being able to concentrate.

I guess I'm just torn about sharing because as much as I feel that my mother did horrible things that led to me having low self esteem and my own panic attacks I still feel the need to protect her or something.

In the end I've told my mother what my issues are with her over the years and she has changed a lot in the past 5 years or so. She is more loving and interested in my life and happy about my successes. She is more relaxed and less needy of our attention.

I guess I'll not let her see this show if I leave in these stories because I don't want to hurt her. The goal of this peace is to show that it is never too late to follow your heart even when people tell you you're not good enough or by a parent not listening or caring what you have to say. I don't believe in the saying "If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again". I'm more of a person who thinks if I know it now then why not do it now.

I guess I'll always feel I'm my mothers keeper of secrets......

XO, BT

The New me

Hey gays,

Yes, I've been thinking of starting out fresh for 2009. I know it is a bit cliche' to say that but I think I need to. I put on a pair of jeans the other day and I swear they shrunk, they did , they really did. I then sat at the computer and had to unbutton the damn things.

I usually stay around 210- 215 but over the holiday I think I gained a few pounds.. or maybe more than a few.

I hate working out, i hate yoga, i hate running....so I was thinking what the hell can i do? I love tennis but its too expensive for inside courts so that'll have to wait til summer. Then It dawned on me that when i was thin i was out dancing every night and I would sweat my ass off, I never thought about it at the time but I was working out by dancing to the Madonna mega mix, taylor dayne and dead or alive, believe me i spun around a lot.

So why not take dance classes, that would be fun, maybe jazz. I would be getting a work out and working on my craft at the same time. The Broadway dance center has classes that are really cheap.

I think in February I'm gonna start going, maybe I'll ask someone to join with me mmmm..... Maybe dancing will trim me down a bit, I'd be happy with 200 lbs. Do i have to get Jazz shoes?..LOL

Oh, also I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve, though I'm due...lol

xo, bt

Apartment Search

Hey gays,

Jeff and I have been living in the same building since we moved to NYC. We got lucky when we first arrived and landed the 1st apartment at 310 east 23rd street 5c. Our landlord was a nice guy Sherman who was a producer at VH1. We had moved from a 2 bedroom apartment in Norwalk, CT to a 600 Sq. foot studio loft, what a nightmare...LOL. We had so much stuff. The boxes were literally from floor to ceiling.

We were forced over the years to unload lots of furniture and items. It really is hard to keep a small place from feeling cluttered and maddening. We spent 5 years in 5C and then had to move due to the sale of the apartment, in a way at the time I wish we had enough money to buy it...

We got lucky again when we found out that a woman we knew Jessica on the 6th floor was moving to Florida and about to rent her place. This apartment is on the opposite side of the building and faces 23rd street. It has a lot more light than 5c which was on the back side of the building, sometimes you'd feel like a bat in that place.

Well Jessica told us she has to sell the apartment but probably won't put it on the market until December. We are suppose to sign a new lease in February but she told us if we find another place after that she'll let us out of the lease. Renting in an apartment that goes on the market is a nightmare with open houses and such..we learned that from 5C, never again!

So we are thinking of stating to look in May and move in June. Apartment hunting in NY is a nightmare and I hate it!! We are thinking of breaking down and moving to a borough to save on rent to free up some cash. We may even consider moving to the Yonkers, Hudson area. There are times we've taken the train to my sisters and Bronxville looks lovely.

Goodness I know one thing I'm not looking forward to moving but in the end its probably best we get out of Manhattan. if we can find a place cheaper in Manhattan that would be great but if not we'll be training it.

If anyone in the NYC area hears of any apartments starting in February please let us know. Word of mouth is probably the best way of finding a place!

XO, BT

Gotta get writing

Hey gays,

I'm planning on writing 3 shows this year. I haven't started but one and that is just an outline...The others are just idea's at the moment.

The end of the year was a bit slow and I wasn't motivated at all. I'm starting to get a little fired up now because I know I have to get started now...LOL.

At least I reached out to Jarad and all seems better. We had a bit of a blow out at the last burlesque show and really didn't speak since November. I miss him! In a way he's become like my brother or something. I don't have a sexual attraction to him, more like a brotherly love, he is a big goon really...LOL and too straight for his own good and he drinks way too much as i do.

That's the other thing in 2009, I'm cutting down on my drinking to just once in a while...I think I was getting a little out of control there for a few months, granted i was performing a lot and socializing a lot but Mama was feeling the bloat as the holidays approached...LOL and i tend to go overboard when i drink. I think I noticed it more in myself when i saw how Jarad drank and saw how he got, etc. i guess I saw a little of him in me.

Jarad is a really talented musician and I'm lucky to have worked with him and hope to continue. I'm going to meet with him soon to discuss projects!, etc. I put a pic of us and Jarad from 2007.

Chow chow for now...

XO, BT

Happy Freakin New Year

Hey gays,

Well yesterday was an experiment in terror...or should I say Traffic. We left NYC at 12:15 pm and arrived in Providence at 7PM...Yes 7 freaking hours for a drive that usually takes 3.5..Coming home today we left at 7:50am and arrived at 11:15..normal.
I honestly was expecting a 5 hour drive...but 7...yawza

Why is it when a tad of snow falls people freak out?? Honestly the weather all the way up to RI was not that bad but no one would drive over 30 MPH, I actually got off the highway and drove on route 1 most of the way.


Luckily we were going to Jeff's cousin's house any my friend Mike joined us and of course we had fun so it made the journey well worth it. We had lots of food, a little drink and lots of cheer. Jeff's cousin Tammy, who is more like his sister, has breast cancer at 36 and is going through Chemo at the moment. She is such a wonderful person and is being brave. She is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person, I love her!! Her prognosis is very good but it is a long process and she's getting tired of the treatments but is cheerfully getting through it! Thank goodness!!

We had a blast and it was good to see Jeff's family and my friend Mike!!

I'm posting a picture from me decorating our tree..a calm moment..LOL rather than pulling what little hair I have left out of my head....



One thing I've learned about myself from yesterday was that I hate traffic!!!

XO, BT