The "Honest" truth

Hey gays,

So I've been writing my "one man" piece and have gotten a little further. i have planned the show to be mostly monologues with video and voice over to tell my experiences.

As I've been writing the material it has forced me to tell some stories mainly about my mother that are things I've held close to me. In a way I feel like I'm betraying her but on the other hand she did some things i really thought were horrible. It's funny but I think that my indecision about situations like this stem from the things she chose to do as a parent.

Just to give an example my mother always treated me more like a confidant even at young age rather than a son. She would tell me personal feelings about her marriage, probably things society would deem inappropriate for a kid to hear. There are some other items as well but that's in the show, LOL.

In my heart I know my mother is mentally ill and never sought treatment, she is Bi- Polar by every definition. She'd fly into rages about how dirty her closet was and blame it on us (meaning anyone in the area at the time) and make us empty everything out and rehang and refold everything until she was satisfied it was tidy. Usually she would end up sitting in a chair weeping and asking for sympathy about something while we were in the middle of it so we'd end up feeling guilty and sorry for her.

This happened on a frequent basis which one is why I can't handle when someone raises their voice to or at me and two I think it added to my inability to pay attention to what someone is saying to me, I tend to drift off and start thinking about something else. I think over the years this has led to people thinking I'm snooty or stuck up but really it is my lack of being able to concentrate.

I guess I'm just torn about sharing because as much as I feel that my mother did horrible things that led to me having low self esteem and my own panic attacks I still feel the need to protect her or something.

In the end I've told my mother what my issues are with her over the years and she has changed a lot in the past 5 years or so. She is more loving and interested in my life and happy about my successes. She is more relaxed and less needy of our attention.

I guess I'll not let her see this show if I leave in these stories because I don't want to hurt her. The goal of this peace is to show that it is never too late to follow your heart even when people tell you you're not good enough or by a parent not listening or caring what you have to say. I don't believe in the saying "If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again". I'm more of a person who thinks if I know it now then why not do it now.

I guess I'll always feel I'm my mothers keeper of secrets......

XO, BT