Bacon Anyone?

Hey Gays,

I saw this article in the New York times and had to post it. If you love bacon
I would give it a try but honestly sausage rolled in bacon is just a bit much ya think, I prefer scallops...LOL

XO, BT

No Cupcakes for Bill

Hey gays,

I am little hungry, all the time!! I started cutting back on my meals and I'm starving....LOL



No cupcakes for Bill...very sad

XO, BT

I'm finished

Hey gays,

I'm finished with the first draft of my show...thank goodness....I was thinking i would never finish it but after focusing this weekend I was able to get it done.

I still think the struggle of what to tell in this story was holding me back but I decided not to hold back and now I know it was the best thing to do. Though I'm not completely happy with everything I know that the draft is going in the right direction....

I love the first act but the second is a little flat at the moment mainly because the content and mood is a little heavier, talking about life's challenges including coming out, lost loves and coming to terms with the past to move on to the future.

I do know one thing that after my final lines of the show there will a clip of Judy to end the show but now i have to decide which one. I have 3 in mind, The show is called "For the love of Judy"

I've never been so excited to do a show after having written the last line today

its a little hard not knowing what the whole show is about but which of these would you call better...any thoughts gays

XO, BT

Busting at the Seams

Hey gays,

The winter weight is getting a little crazy.....eveything is getting a bit tight...LOL

Next week I'm back to the gym to do at least 30 minutes of cardio to get my
metabolism working. I also gotta cut out the junk food..I'm crazy with it.

I had to eat a half bag of dorito's last night watching Lost so I could get even more Lost....that show makes you want to eat...LOL. I actually DVR'd it but I still ate the bag of dorito's watching househunters international.

One of my co-workers had a major operation last week to remove a Carcinoid Tumor. It is a very rare type of tumor that shoots large amounts of seratonin through your body. It was removed from his intestinal tract so he hasn't eaten anything in a week. He just started eating soft food yesterday.

I went to visit him last night at Mt. Sinai and he was doing well and should leave the hospital tomorrow. He told me he was having dreams about food all week...It amazes me how the body can cope with such trauma, he was up and walking around, the surgery he had was like 9 hours long and they had to take out a piece of his liver because some of the tumor lodged onto it. The doctors said he was lucky to have had some symptoms of the disease. Most people who get this don't and by the time its discovered its too late to do anything.

After leaving the hospital it really made me think about the amount of food I eat and that its a little out of control but i still bought the damn snack...I really have to cut back on my eating...its making me sad...but I am glad my friend has a good prognosis, he is a nice guy!

XO, BT

The next "chew the fat" interview

Hey gays,

I just completed my latest interview and will post sometime today or tomorrow. You will love the next interviewee. He is a wonderful gay boy from italy..very sweet!!

XO, BT

The bashing

Hey gays,

Last night I had a dream about an event that happened in 1990.....Very strange...

The dream was more about why I never said or did anything about it? It was the type of dream that would make me wake up terrified and then start again when I fell back to sleep. The dream isn't worth writing about but I guess the reason for it is worth telling...

Also, I went to see "Revolutionary Road" today and what a downer of a movie that was, crazy but a true...the character of April said one line I keep thinking about "Who made up all these rules anyway". It made me think who made up the rule that made it seem ok to attack someone for no reason.

To the true story.

I was 20 I guess or maybe I just turned 21. I always get confused because it took me 5 years to get my degree because of all the crap I went through with my first boyfriend Bill. I probably had just finished my third year of school and i had met this guy Jim out at the bars. He was a nurse and a nice enough guy, at this time my best friend Mike took a job working 3rd shift so he wasn't always available to go out etc. I tried to make a couple more friends to go out with because i hated going out alone. I remember that Mike told me he didn't like Jim because he was a loud mouth or the type to get in trouble. i never saw any of the behavior so I just blew that off and continued to hang out with him when Mike wasn't around.

I remember the day vividly because I worked the breakfast/lunch shift at the Sheraton hotel restaurant where I was a waiter and I cut myself that day, pretty bad when i was cutting lemons so that added to the pain but being a waiter you learn to take care of it yourself and throw a band aid on it though i think i needed stitches...anyway... It was a Friday and I had Saturday off and Jim had stopped by my work around 1pm and asked me if I wanted to go to Boston, he wanted to go to the "ramrod". I was like..a leather bar...I think i initially said no but he said I'll drive so you can just relax. I then said ok, I'll go as long as we go to another bar too so we wouldn't have to be at Ramrod all night. He agreed and said he'd pick me up at 9.

There wasn't much to the evening, we went to "Ramrod" and they were having a country western night and it was really boring. I remember saying lets go to this other place which was a video bar at the time, I can't remember the name but it was a small place that played video's and porn, etc. i chatted up a guy there and he asked me to go home with him but i declined because i was with Jim, etc. I remember the guy even offered to pay for my train ride back the next day but for some reason i declined and didn't want to make Jim drive home alone. I then remember realizing he wasn't there so i told the guy i had to find him so I looked over the whole bar and he was no where to be found so i walked outside to see if he had gone to the car, it was parked down the street and when I took the left and went by an alley I saw him blowing some guy right out in the open, though it was an alley way behind the club it was pretty well lit and you could see him plain as day..I just turned around and went back inside. The thing was I noticed a red truck, like a GMC 4 seater, pre svu and they had Slowed down and obviously saw what Jim was doing but they kept driving.

He came back in and wanted to leave so we headed back to the car and I saw the truck again driving slowly by us but again didn't think anything of it. We got back into the car and started driving down mass ave, a long road in boston with lots of stop lights, it was the quickest way back to the highway.

Of course Jim was telling me about the guy and how huge his cock was and all that. I lit up a cigarette and rolled down the window and we stopped at a light and I looked to my right and the red truck pulled up next to us and the guy driving waved and smiled. I quickly rolled up the window and told Jim I thought these guys were following us. He said he didn't notice but then looked over and gave the guy the finger and slammed on the gas. Jim took it more as they were hitting on us, then we got on the highway and i didn't see them after we were on route 93.

Boston is about 40 minutes from providence and we were well on our way back but with all of the nonsense that happened when we were leaving i didn't take a piss or anything and I was drinking beer so I was busting at the seams when we were in about in Attleboro area so I had Jim pull off into this weigh station so i could go. I remember him being like can't you wait but I insisted. I got out of the car and so did he. I just slipped by zipper down and was pissing when i heard a car screech up and i turned and it was the red truck.

I remember zipping up my pants and then heard the word "faggot" and a fist blindsiding me. I'd never been hit before and everything moved in slow motion. I remember seeing out the corner of my eye that a guy was also going after Jim but Jim was running. I remember another guy pulling my head back and punching me again and I fell to the ground, then being dragged back towards Jims car , then i think the other guy started pounding my face into Jim's car.

I know all I said was what the fuck over and over again. The next thing I heard was "lets get the fuck outta here" and they left. I was face down in the dirt in front of his car. I remember Jim lifting me up and throwing me in the car kind of screaming and carrying on. he looked at me and said i gotta get you to the hospital, i looked down and my white t-shirt was covered in blood from top to bottom. It is a weird feeling to be beat up, it was like being in a dream state or something. Then i remember looking at Jim and he was fine, not a scratch. I thought it was so weird.

He kept saying lets go to the hospital but i said no, take me home, take me home, take me home. He did and walked up the stairs and sat me in the bathroom and got a whole bunch of towels and peroxide and starting washing off my face, he was a nurse so in a way i was lucky, he kept saying you need stitches and that i had little pebbles lodged in my fore head. I guess I was in shock because I just didn't want to go to the hospital. In the end he said that the cuts were really small and there was just a lot of blood because it was my forehead, i guess you bleed a lot out of your head area..etc.

I never once even thought of going to the police or tell anyone other than friends what had happened. I guess i felt stupid for not realizing what was going on. I was oblivious to the fact that these guys were looking to hurt us. I've always felt lucky in a way because they could have killed me, the stop off was far enough off the road that no one would have seen unless someone else stopped.

My friend Mike , the ever suspicious one, said he thought the whole thing was planned by Jim because he never got hurt but honestly he had time to react, I was closer to the car and he went a bit down the embankment and saw what was coming. I had no time to react.

I did eventually go to the hospital two days later because my face got so swollen and my jaw would barely open. I told them that I had been mugged in downtown providence. I had an x-ray and my Jaw wasn't broken and they said they'd have to cut open the cuts to give me stitches because they already started to heal. I said no way...

I still have no idea why I never went to the police. I guess I felt that I had no description, I just remember the guy had on a plaid shirt and had brown hair, nothing else other than a red GMC truck. Jim said he couldn't describe them either. I didn't think they'd find them. It however took me a long time to go back to Boston and if I did it was with a group.

It's true I was gay bashed and never really admitted it to myself. Even though I've written this I still look at it like it was someone else. Its true what they say about traumatic events, your mind blocks the terror out of it sometimes...strange.

XO, BT

Big as a House

Hey gays,

Oh boy... Boy George is big as a house and going to the big house. Maybe he'll lose some weight in the slammer...

I posted about this before but I was a huge Culture Club and Boy George fan and I'm sure if you asked most people they'd say the same. His music and voice are excellent and most of the songs are fun and flirty and I feel have stood the test of time. I love listening to their greatest hits now just as much as i did then. Plus his "The crying game" is one of my favorites of all time. His voice is so silky smooth in that song, its amazing.

Its both sad and frustrating that someone this talented has thrown it all away on drugs. I've done drugs, don't get me wrong but not like him.. Plus, after seeing him around NY and hearing stories about him from friends that ran into him at clubs, etc. say he is a real asshole and very rude.

Poor thing, maybe they'll teach him manners in the klink?? In the end I think this sentence is probably more for all the crap he got away with for years with a slap on the wrist...




XO, BT

Oops I did it again!!!

Hey gays,

God damn I said that I'd never do it again but wouldn't ya know that I let myself down again. I can't believe that I let myself fall into the trap again this year but hopefully it was only one time.

I watched "American Idol" last night.

I feel sick about it... It really is a piece of crap show and I'm not going to tune in again. At this point I think adding a new judge has done nothing to help the show. It really is sappy and it seems that as the years go on they are less interested in good voices but focus on the sob stories of some of the contestants. In the 1st episode they have a blind guy, a guy who's wife died a few weeks ago, a woman that is 23 has 3 kids and just lost her home in a tornado.

They play all of this up to the hilt. One guy who completely sucked pretty much begged to go to Hollywood and they said yes. They said that he was funny and had an OK voice...yikes.

The show really has become tired...

I'm not watching again....

XO, BT

Memory

Hey gays,

I guess the vitamin B-12 is kicking in. It dawned on me yesterday when I was reciting a whole song I've been practicing for a performance in my head. A few months ago I was having trouble remembering my lines or even losing thought mid sentence a lot.

In the past when I would learn a song that I was going to Lip Sync I would pick it up really quickly but over the past few years I noticed a change. It seemed to take me a twice the time to just learn the words.

I have a method I use when learning a new song. I usually listen to the song 100 or so times before I even start trying to perform it. When I lip sync I also breath as the performer is breathing. I've always thought this added to the performance and made it look more realistic. I also use my neck and jaw a lot to accentuate the song giving the illusion that my vocal cords are moving as well. Sometimes when I'm done doing a Liza song I'm exhausted because I try and use my whole body.

The shows I did in 07 especially RAW after looking at the tapes I was disappointed in my Liza portion of the show. I could tell I lost focus and wasn't using my techniques, not my best.

After rehearsing the two number's I'm working on now I feel a huge difference. One song is Liza's version of "What makes a man a man" and the other is a Rockette in turmoil performing "I am what I am". The difference is that I feel a lot more no nonsense, meaning I'm not struggling with the direction of the songs or emotion, etc.

Reflecting I really think the vitamin b-12 deficiency was wreaking havoc on my emotional state because I was always feeling very uneasy and unsure as well as detached..

I never went for the shots but I started doing a high dose sub lingual that Jeff picked up and after a month or so it seems to be kicking in...

I'm just so gay about it!!

XO, BT

The "Honest" truth

Hey gays,

So I've been writing my "one man" piece and have gotten a little further. i have planned the show to be mostly monologues with video and voice over to tell my experiences.

As I've been writing the material it has forced me to tell some stories mainly about my mother that are things I've held close to me. In a way I feel like I'm betraying her but on the other hand she did some things i really thought were horrible. It's funny but I think that my indecision about situations like this stem from the things she chose to do as a parent.

Just to give an example my mother always treated me more like a confidant even at young age rather than a son. She would tell me personal feelings about her marriage, probably things society would deem inappropriate for a kid to hear. There are some other items as well but that's in the show, LOL.

In my heart I know my mother is mentally ill and never sought treatment, she is Bi- Polar by every definition. She'd fly into rages about how dirty her closet was and blame it on us (meaning anyone in the area at the time) and make us empty everything out and rehang and refold everything until she was satisfied it was tidy. Usually she would end up sitting in a chair weeping and asking for sympathy about something while we were in the middle of it so we'd end up feeling guilty and sorry for her.

This happened on a frequent basis which one is why I can't handle when someone raises their voice to or at me and two I think it added to my inability to pay attention to what someone is saying to me, I tend to drift off and start thinking about something else. I think over the years this has led to people thinking I'm snooty or stuck up but really it is my lack of being able to concentrate.

I guess I'm just torn about sharing because as much as I feel that my mother did horrible things that led to me having low self esteem and my own panic attacks I still feel the need to protect her or something.

In the end I've told my mother what my issues are with her over the years and she has changed a lot in the past 5 years or so. She is more loving and interested in my life and happy about my successes. She is more relaxed and less needy of our attention.

I guess I'll not let her see this show if I leave in these stories because I don't want to hurt her. The goal of this peace is to show that it is never too late to follow your heart even when people tell you you're not good enough or by a parent not listening or caring what you have to say. I don't believe in the saying "If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again". I'm more of a person who thinks if I know it now then why not do it now.

I guess I'll always feel I'm my mothers keeper of secrets......

XO, BT

The New me

Hey gays,

Yes, I've been thinking of starting out fresh for 2009. I know it is a bit cliche' to say that but I think I need to. I put on a pair of jeans the other day and I swear they shrunk, they did , they really did. I then sat at the computer and had to unbutton the damn things.

I usually stay around 210- 215 but over the holiday I think I gained a few pounds.. or maybe more than a few.

I hate working out, i hate yoga, i hate running....so I was thinking what the hell can i do? I love tennis but its too expensive for inside courts so that'll have to wait til summer. Then It dawned on me that when i was thin i was out dancing every night and I would sweat my ass off, I never thought about it at the time but I was working out by dancing to the Madonna mega mix, taylor dayne and dead or alive, believe me i spun around a lot.

So why not take dance classes, that would be fun, maybe jazz. I would be getting a work out and working on my craft at the same time. The Broadway dance center has classes that are really cheap.

I think in February I'm gonna start going, maybe I'll ask someone to join with me mmmm..... Maybe dancing will trim me down a bit, I'd be happy with 200 lbs. Do i have to get Jazz shoes?..LOL

Oh, also I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve, though I'm due...lol

xo, bt

Apartment Search

Hey gays,

Jeff and I have been living in the same building since we moved to NYC. We got lucky when we first arrived and landed the 1st apartment at 310 east 23rd street 5c. Our landlord was a nice guy Sherman who was a producer at VH1. We had moved from a 2 bedroom apartment in Norwalk, CT to a 600 Sq. foot studio loft, what a nightmare...LOL. We had so much stuff. The boxes were literally from floor to ceiling.

We were forced over the years to unload lots of furniture and items. It really is hard to keep a small place from feeling cluttered and maddening. We spent 5 years in 5C and then had to move due to the sale of the apartment, in a way at the time I wish we had enough money to buy it...

We got lucky again when we found out that a woman we knew Jessica on the 6th floor was moving to Florida and about to rent her place. This apartment is on the opposite side of the building and faces 23rd street. It has a lot more light than 5c which was on the back side of the building, sometimes you'd feel like a bat in that place.

Well Jessica told us she has to sell the apartment but probably won't put it on the market until December. We are suppose to sign a new lease in February but she told us if we find another place after that she'll let us out of the lease. Renting in an apartment that goes on the market is a nightmare with open houses and such..we learned that from 5C, never again!

So we are thinking of stating to look in May and move in June. Apartment hunting in NY is a nightmare and I hate it!! We are thinking of breaking down and moving to a borough to save on rent to free up some cash. We may even consider moving to the Yonkers, Hudson area. There are times we've taken the train to my sisters and Bronxville looks lovely.

Goodness I know one thing I'm not looking forward to moving but in the end its probably best we get out of Manhattan. if we can find a place cheaper in Manhattan that would be great but if not we'll be training it.

If anyone in the NYC area hears of any apartments starting in February please let us know. Word of mouth is probably the best way of finding a place!

XO, BT

Gotta get writing

Hey gays,

I'm planning on writing 3 shows this year. I haven't started but one and that is just an outline...The others are just idea's at the moment.

The end of the year was a bit slow and I wasn't motivated at all. I'm starting to get a little fired up now because I know I have to get started now...LOL.

At least I reached out to Jarad and all seems better. We had a bit of a blow out at the last burlesque show and really didn't speak since November. I miss him! In a way he's become like my brother or something. I don't have a sexual attraction to him, more like a brotherly love, he is a big goon really...LOL and too straight for his own good and he drinks way too much as i do.

That's the other thing in 2009, I'm cutting down on my drinking to just once in a while...I think I was getting a little out of control there for a few months, granted i was performing a lot and socializing a lot but Mama was feeling the bloat as the holidays approached...LOL and i tend to go overboard when i drink. I think I noticed it more in myself when i saw how Jarad drank and saw how he got, etc. i guess I saw a little of him in me.

Jarad is a really talented musician and I'm lucky to have worked with him and hope to continue. I'm going to meet with him soon to discuss projects!, etc. I put a pic of us and Jarad from 2007.

Chow chow for now...

XO, BT

Happy Freakin New Year

Hey gays,

Well yesterday was an experiment in terror...or should I say Traffic. We left NYC at 12:15 pm and arrived in Providence at 7PM...Yes 7 freaking hours for a drive that usually takes 3.5..Coming home today we left at 7:50am and arrived at 11:15..normal.
I honestly was expecting a 5 hour drive...but 7...yawza

Why is it when a tad of snow falls people freak out?? Honestly the weather all the way up to RI was not that bad but no one would drive over 30 MPH, I actually got off the highway and drove on route 1 most of the way.


Luckily we were going to Jeff's cousin's house any my friend Mike joined us and of course we had fun so it made the journey well worth it. We had lots of food, a little drink and lots of cheer. Jeff's cousin Tammy, who is more like his sister, has breast cancer at 36 and is going through Chemo at the moment. She is such a wonderful person and is being brave. She is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person, I love her!! Her prognosis is very good but it is a long process and she's getting tired of the treatments but is cheerfully getting through it! Thank goodness!!

We had a blast and it was good to see Jeff's family and my friend Mike!!

I'm posting a picture from me decorating our tree..a calm moment..LOL rather than pulling what little hair I have left out of my head....



One thing I've learned about myself from yesterday was that I hate traffic!!!

XO, BT