Hey Gays,
I feel fat right now, that's for sure, I'm now 218 pounds, for my height I should weight like 170-180. There are people who would say I'm not fat. I try every day to be positive about myself and most days I succeed but today there are factors bigger than me contributing to my helplessness.
I'm feeling a little down about it at the moment. I would like to be fitter I guess because my cholesterol is high. The thing is I don't eat horribly for meals but it's the snacking that is the issue. I'm a chip-a-holic. Just to give you an example, though there were reasons behind it after I left our friends last week I ate a whole bag of Blue Cheese/Buffalo hot Doritos's. I can't control myself and as I sit here writing this I just laughed.....it's crazy.
I just never had the mindset to work out. I feel I'm trapped by my own laziness or motivation to do it. I wish I could get back to the place in 1997-98 when I was on the Atkins diet and was so focused on it that I went from 215 to 185 and kept it off for like 2 years, I was just more active at that time.
I'm just feeling blah about it today I guess. I wish, I wish , I wish.
The other thing that is on my mind is my youngest brother who over the years has had many issues including heroine addiction, a 2 year stint in prison and now Anorexia. Yes, this fat ass has a family member who at the moment he is my height and weights 105 pounds. He is skinny!
I'm really worried, though I know at this point, there is not much anyone can do besides himself. He needs to realize he is killing himself. I did tell him that he looked thin and that he should try to gain a little weight. I said he should try and see if he can maintain is weight at like 120 pounds. I know this is still thin but i was trying to make it seem like he'd still be thin but wouldn't have to focus on health issue's. I just don't know.
I do know one thing and that my mother is in semi-denial. He also has celiac like me and she is thinking the pain in his stomach and constipation is from the Celiac but its not. It is in relation to Anorexia. He did start going to a nutritionist and she has him drinking protein drinks and things like ensure and she also recommended a person who deals with eating disorders so I think Wednesday he is going to that person.
He has gotten over many things including the heroine,prison, Hepatitis C but I don't know about this, I don't know if he can beat this. This is the root cause of his issues, he says. He was chunky in grade school and a bunch of girls would make fun of him and ridicule him, he said that was the reason he started doing drugs but now food deprivation is his latest fix.
I just feel helpless.
If anyone reading has any knowledge of Anorexia or how to talk to a person dealing with it please let me know. I'd like to help or give guidance.
XO, BT
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2 comments:
I’ve struggled with weight issues and eating all of my life. Most people don’t know that. They might look at me and think I’m in relatively good shape and take care of myself. While that is true, inside I have always struggled with using food as a way of dealing with the emotional side of my life. I confess… chips have always been my food drug as well. I can see a bag of Kettle chips or sour cream and onion and I know how easy it would be for me to eat the entire bag, as I have done many times, and not think anything about it.
I learned as a child that I could use food to help numb my feelings and control what I did not want to feel. The more I would eat the more I could keep at bay everything about myself that I did not want to deal with or felt powerless about. For reasons I cannot mention here (but will when I see you in person or in a private email conversation) food has been one of the core issues throughout my life.
My weight would always fluctuate between 185 (my heaviest) to 135 (my lightest). I started in junior high school with Dexatrim until my mother caught me. I was so heavy at the time I needed something to control the weight I was gaining, but didn’t want to give up the eating, because it was helping me to disengage and not feel anything. Then in my 20’s I started using laxatives as a way of dealing with the eating and weight gain. This was at the peek of my eating disorder and it worked well and allowed me to eat even more.
It wasn’t until my 30’s that I began dealing with the real issues behind the eating in therapy. The over eating is never the root cause, it’s just a symptom of some emotional issues underneath that are not being dealt with. At least that is what I have read and also experienced first hand with my life. I’m about to turn 42 and I’m just now loving myself enough to no longer feel the need to use food to control my feelings, to not feel my feelings.
It’s been a very long journey to get to this point in my life… and my eating will always be something that I will need to manage. The difference is managing it versus controlling it. My partner and I call it “dirty eating” and I have become keenly aware that when I start stuffing my face I’m not wanting to deal with a particular feeling or emotion. I know that means I need to talk about it with my partner, or my therapist, or my self. I need to expose the truth of the situation and not hold these feelings inside me.
It helped at first to simply acknowledge what I was doing and stop judging myself and beating myself up for eating. That only perpetuates the cycle. The more I eat, the more I self-hate and the more I beat myself up about it the more I want to eat. The self-hate becomes a distraction and allows me to not have to look at why I am eating. One of the key learning points for me to break this cycle was realizing how important it was to be compassionate with myself.
Hey Glenn,
Thank you for sharing,Wow I didn't know. Yes I do agree my eating patterns stem from my childhood. Probably not feeling adequate or good enough.
My mother was kind of a catalyst as well. She always very thin when I was a kid and would scold us for eating too much, etc. It was weird. Actually the first thing my mother usually says to us when she see us whether it be a funeral or a party is "How do I look, do I look fat" and then she'll usually put her hands by her side or tug on her top , almost like a pose until she gets an answer.
At times when I was bitter towards her, I'd say you look enormous...just to get a rise out of her...LOL
I had a moment in my life when I moved to South Carolina and spent a lot of time on my own and did a lot of self exploration on my own. I've never been one for therapists. It was a great time and I really got over a lot of my family issues and yes in turn I seemed to lose weight.
Now, I don't know. I'm not sure if it crutch eating, I find myself being nostalgic as of late....I think at this point for me its exersice that have to bring into my life. There has to be a balance but now the chips are weighing me down...LOL
XO, BT
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