Hey gays,
God damn I said that I'd never do it again but wouldn't ya know that I let myself down again. I can't believe that I let myself fall into the trap again this year but hopefully it was only one time.
I watched "American Idol" last night.
I feel sick about it... It really is a piece of crap show and I'm not going to tune in again. At this point I think adding a new judge has done nothing to help the show. It really is sappy and it seems that as the years go on they are less interested in good voices but focus on the sob stories of some of the contestants. In the 1st episode they have a blind guy, a guy who's wife died a few weeks ago, a woman that is 23 has 3 kids and just lost her home in a tornado.
They play all of this up to the hilt. One guy who completely sucked pretty much begged to go to Hollywood and they said yes. They said that he was funny and had an OK voice...yikes.
The show really has become tired...
I'm not watching again....
XO, BT
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Memory
Hey gays,
I guess the vitamin B-12 is kicking in. It dawned on me yesterday when I was reciting a whole song I've been practicing for a performance in my head. A few months ago I was having trouble remembering my lines or even losing thought mid sentence a lot.
In the past when I would learn a song that I was going to Lip Sync I would pick it up really quickly but over the past few years I noticed a change. It seemed to take me a twice the time to just learn the words.
I have a method I use when learning a new song. I usually listen to the song 100 or so times before I even start trying to perform it. When I lip sync I also breath as the performer is breathing. I've always thought this added to the performance and made it look more realistic. I also use my neck and jaw a lot to accentuate the song giving the illusion that my vocal cords are moving as well. Sometimes when I'm done doing a Liza song I'm exhausted because I try and use my whole body.
The shows I did in 07 especially RAW after looking at the tapes I was disappointed in my Liza portion of the show. I could tell I lost focus and wasn't using my techniques, not my best.
After rehearsing the two number's I'm working on now I feel a huge difference. One song is Liza's version of "What makes a man a man" and the other is a Rockette in turmoil performing "I am what I am". The difference is that I feel a lot more no nonsense, meaning I'm not struggling with the direction of the songs or emotion, etc.
Reflecting I really think the vitamin b-12 deficiency was wreaking havoc on my emotional state because I was always feeling very uneasy and unsure as well as detached..
I never went for the shots but I started doing a high dose sub lingual that Jeff picked up and after a month or so it seems to be kicking in...
I'm just so gay about it!!
XO, BT
Friday, January 9, 2009
The "Honest" truth
Hey gays,
So I've been writing my "one man" piece and have gotten a little further. i have planned the show to be mostly monologues with video and voice over to tell my experiences.
As I've been writing the material it has forced me to tell some stories mainly about my mother that are things I've held close to me. In a way I feel like I'm betraying her but on the other hand she did some things i really thought were horrible. It's funny but I think that my indecision about situations like this stem from the things she chose to do as a parent.
Just to give an example my mother always treated me more like a confidant even at young age rather than a son. She would tell me personal feelings about her marriage, probably things society would deem inappropriate for a kid to hear. There are some other items as well but that's in the show, LOL.
In my heart I know my mother is mentally ill and never sought treatment, she is Bi- Polar by every definition. She'd fly into rages about how dirty her closet was and blame it on us (meaning anyone in the area at the time) and make us empty everything out and rehang and refold everything until she was satisfied it was tidy. Usually she would end up sitting in a chair weeping and asking for sympathy about something while we were in the middle of it so we'd end up feeling guilty and sorry for her.
This happened on a frequent basis which one is why I can't handle when someone raises their voice to or at me and two I think it added to my inability to pay attention to what someone is saying to me, I tend to drift off and start thinking about something else. I think over the years this has led to people thinking I'm snooty or stuck up but really it is my lack of being able to concentrate.
I guess I'm just torn about sharing because as much as I feel that my mother did horrible things that led to me having low self esteem and my own panic attacks I still feel the need to protect her or something.
In the end I've told my mother what my issues are with her over the years and she has changed a lot in the past 5 years or so. She is more loving and interested in my life and happy about my successes. She is more relaxed and less needy of our attention.
I guess I'll not let her see this show if I leave in these stories because I don't want to hurt her. The goal of this peace is to show that it is never too late to follow your heart even when people tell you you're not good enough or by a parent not listening or caring what you have to say. I don't believe in the saying "If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again". I'm more of a person who thinks if I know it now then why not do it now.
I guess I'll always feel I'm my mothers keeper of secrets......
XO, BT
So I've been writing my "one man" piece and have gotten a little further. i have planned the show to be mostly monologues with video and voice over to tell my experiences.
As I've been writing the material it has forced me to tell some stories mainly about my mother that are things I've held close to me. In a way I feel like I'm betraying her but on the other hand she did some things i really thought were horrible. It's funny but I think that my indecision about situations like this stem from the things she chose to do as a parent.
Just to give an example my mother always treated me more like a confidant even at young age rather than a son. She would tell me personal feelings about her marriage, probably things society would deem inappropriate for a kid to hear. There are some other items as well but that's in the show, LOL.
In my heart I know my mother is mentally ill and never sought treatment, she is Bi- Polar by every definition. She'd fly into rages about how dirty her closet was and blame it on us (meaning anyone in the area at the time) and make us empty everything out and rehang and refold everything until she was satisfied it was tidy. Usually she would end up sitting in a chair weeping and asking for sympathy about something while we were in the middle of it so we'd end up feeling guilty and sorry for her.
This happened on a frequent basis which one is why I can't handle when someone raises their voice to or at me and two I think it added to my inability to pay attention to what someone is saying to me, I tend to drift off and start thinking about something else. I think over the years this has led to people thinking I'm snooty or stuck up but really it is my lack of being able to concentrate.
I guess I'm just torn about sharing because as much as I feel that my mother did horrible things that led to me having low self esteem and my own panic attacks I still feel the need to protect her or something.
In the end I've told my mother what my issues are with her over the years and she has changed a lot in the past 5 years or so. She is more loving and interested in my life and happy about my successes. She is more relaxed and less needy of our attention.
I guess I'll not let her see this show if I leave in these stories because I don't want to hurt her. The goal of this peace is to show that it is never too late to follow your heart even when people tell you you're not good enough or by a parent not listening or caring what you have to say. I don't believe in the saying "If I knew then what I know now, I'd do it all over again". I'm more of a person who thinks if I know it now then why not do it now.
I guess I'll always feel I'm my mothers keeper of secrets......
XO, BT
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
The New me
Hey gays,
Yes, I've been thinking of starting out fresh for 2009. I know it is a bit cliche' to say that but I think I need to. I put on a pair of jeans the other day and I swear they shrunk, they did , they really did. I then sat at the computer and had to unbutton the damn things.
I usually stay around 210- 215 but over the holiday I think I gained a few pounds.. or maybe more than a few.
I hate working out, i hate yoga, i hate running....so I was thinking what the hell can i do? I love tennis but its too expensive for inside courts so that'll have to wait til summer. Then It dawned on me that when i was thin i was out dancing every night and I would sweat my ass off, I never thought about it at the time but I was working out by dancing to the Madonna mega mix, taylor dayne and dead or alive, believe me i spun around a lot.
So why not take dance classes, that would be fun, maybe jazz. I would be getting a work out and working on my craft at the same time. The Broadway dance center has classes that are really cheap.
I think in February I'm gonna start going, maybe I'll ask someone to join with me mmmm..... Maybe dancing will trim me down a bit, I'd be happy with 200 lbs. Do i have to get Jazz shoes?..LOL
Oh, also I haven't had a drink since New Years Eve, though I'm due...lol
xo, bt
Monday, January 5, 2009
Apartment Search
Hey gays,
Jeff and I have been living in the same building since we moved to NYC. We got lucky when we first arrived and landed the 1st apartment at 310 east 23rd street 5c. Our landlord was a nice guy Sherman who was a producer at VH1. We had moved from a 2 bedroom apartment in Norwalk, CT to a 600 Sq. foot studio loft, what a nightmare...LOL. We had so much stuff. The boxes were literally from floor to ceiling.
We were forced over the years to unload lots of furniture and items. It really is hard to keep a small place from feeling cluttered and maddening. We spent 5 years in 5C and then had to move due to the sale of the apartment, in a way at the time I wish we had enough money to buy it...
We got lucky again when we found out that a woman we knew Jessica on the 6th floor was moving to Florida and about to rent her place. This apartment is on the opposite side of the building and faces 23rd street. It has a lot more light than 5c which was on the back side of the building, sometimes you'd feel like a bat in that place.
Well Jessica told us she has to sell the apartment but probably won't put it on the market until December. We are suppose to sign a new lease in February but she told us if we find another place after that she'll let us out of the lease. Renting in an apartment that goes on the market is a nightmare with open houses and such..we learned that from 5C, never again!
So we are thinking of stating to look in May and move in June. Apartment hunting in NY is a nightmare and I hate it!! We are thinking of breaking down and moving to a borough to save on rent to free up some cash. We may even consider moving to the Yonkers, Hudson area. There are times we've taken the train to my sisters and Bronxville looks lovely.
Goodness I know one thing I'm not looking forward to moving but in the end its probably best we get out of Manhattan. if we can find a place cheaper in Manhattan that would be great but if not we'll be training it.
If anyone in the NYC area hears of any apartments starting in February please let us know. Word of mouth is probably the best way of finding a place!
XO, BT
Jeff and I have been living in the same building since we moved to NYC. We got lucky when we first arrived and landed the 1st apartment at 310 east 23rd street 5c. Our landlord was a nice guy Sherman who was a producer at VH1. We had moved from a 2 bedroom apartment in Norwalk, CT to a 600 Sq. foot studio loft, what a nightmare...LOL. We had so much stuff. The boxes were literally from floor to ceiling.
We were forced over the years to unload lots of furniture and items. It really is hard to keep a small place from feeling cluttered and maddening. We spent 5 years in 5C and then had to move due to the sale of the apartment, in a way at the time I wish we had enough money to buy it...
We got lucky again when we found out that a woman we knew Jessica on the 6th floor was moving to Florida and about to rent her place. This apartment is on the opposite side of the building and faces 23rd street. It has a lot more light than 5c which was on the back side of the building, sometimes you'd feel like a bat in that place.
Well Jessica told us she has to sell the apartment but probably won't put it on the market until December. We are suppose to sign a new lease in February but she told us if we find another place after that she'll let us out of the lease. Renting in an apartment that goes on the market is a nightmare with open houses and such..we learned that from 5C, never again!
So we are thinking of stating to look in May and move in June. Apartment hunting in NY is a nightmare and I hate it!! We are thinking of breaking down and moving to a borough to save on rent to free up some cash. We may even consider moving to the Yonkers, Hudson area. There are times we've taken the train to my sisters and Bronxville looks lovely.
Goodness I know one thing I'm not looking forward to moving but in the end its probably best we get out of Manhattan. if we can find a place cheaper in Manhattan that would be great but if not we'll be training it.
If anyone in the NYC area hears of any apartments starting in February please let us know. Word of mouth is probably the best way of finding a place!
XO, BT
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Gotta get writing
Hey gays,
I'm planning on writing 3 shows this year. I haven't started but one and that is just an outline...The others are just idea's at the moment.
The end of the year was a bit slow and I wasn't motivated at all. I'm starting to get a little fired up now because I know I have to get started now...LOL.
At least I reached out to Jarad and all seems better. We had a bit of a blow out at the last burlesque show and really didn't speak since November. I miss him! In a way he's become like my brother or something. I don't have a sexual attraction to him, more like a brotherly love, he is a big goon really...LOL and too straight for his own good and he drinks way too much as i do.
That's the other thing in 2009, I'm cutting down on my drinking to just once in a while...I think I was getting a little out of control there for a few months, granted i was performing a lot and socializing a lot but Mama was feeling the bloat as the holidays approached...LOL and i tend to go overboard when i drink. I think I noticed it more in myself when i saw how Jarad drank and saw how he got, etc. i guess I saw a little of him in me.
Jarad is a really talented musician and I'm lucky to have worked with him and hope to continue. I'm going to meet with him soon to discuss projects!, etc. I put a pic of us and Jarad from 2007.
Chow chow for now...
XO, BT
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Happy Freakin New Year
Hey gays,
Well yesterday was an experiment in terror...or should I say Traffic. We left NYC at 12:15 pm and arrived in Providence at 7PM...Yes 7 freaking hours for a drive that usually takes 3.5..Coming home today we left at 7:50am and arrived at 11:15..normal.
I honestly was expecting a 5 hour drive...but 7...yawza
Why is it when a tad of snow falls people freak out?? Honestly the weather all the way up to RI was not that bad but no one would drive over 30 MPH, I actually got off the highway and drove on route 1 most of the way.
Luckily we were going to Jeff's cousin's house any my friend Mike joined us and of course we had fun so it made the journey well worth it. We had lots of food, a little drink and lots of cheer. Jeff's cousin Tammy, who is more like his sister, has breast cancer at 36 and is going through Chemo at the moment. She is such a wonderful person and is being brave. She is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person, I love her!! Her prognosis is very good but it is a long process and she's getting tired of the treatments but is cheerfully getting through it! Thank goodness!!
We had a blast and it was good to see Jeff's family and my friend Mike!!
I'm posting a picture from me decorating our tree..a calm moment..LOL rather than pulling what little hair I have left out of my head....
One thing I've learned about myself from yesterday was that I hate traffic!!!
XO, BT
Well yesterday was an experiment in terror...or should I say Traffic. We left NYC at 12:15 pm and arrived in Providence at 7PM...Yes 7 freaking hours for a drive that usually takes 3.5..Coming home today we left at 7:50am and arrived at 11:15..normal.
I honestly was expecting a 5 hour drive...but 7...yawza
Why is it when a tad of snow falls people freak out?? Honestly the weather all the way up to RI was not that bad but no one would drive over 30 MPH, I actually got off the highway and drove on route 1 most of the way.
Luckily we were going to Jeff's cousin's house any my friend Mike joined us and of course we had fun so it made the journey well worth it. We had lots of food, a little drink and lots of cheer. Jeff's cousin Tammy, who is more like his sister, has breast cancer at 36 and is going through Chemo at the moment. She is such a wonderful person and is being brave. She is an inspiration and makes me want to be a better person, I love her!! Her prognosis is very good but it is a long process and she's getting tired of the treatments but is cheerfully getting through it! Thank goodness!!
We had a blast and it was good to see Jeff's family and my friend Mike!!
I'm posting a picture from me decorating our tree..a calm moment..LOL rather than pulling what little hair I have left out of my head....
One thing I've learned about myself from yesterday was that I hate traffic!!!
XO, BT
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